I promised myself I wouldn’t write about it anymore, as everyone seems to love to declutter but me! But because I write to help remove the shame around how our homes look and how we live in them, I couldn’t not.

To be fair, clutter itself isn’t the real problem for me; it’s the negativity and confusion attached to it. I’m not sure everyone could agree on what ‘clutter’ really means, but we’ve been conditioned to believe that having it in your home is not a good thing, that you’re somehow failing.

So while the world continues its obsession with clutter, a billion-dollar industry continuing to target and shame women to sell us organisational systems we don’t need, I will continue dispelling the myth that decluttering is the answer to domestic bliss and a calm nervous system.

Last week I posted a note about a very, very popular interior influencer and his decluttering advice: The Cantaloupe Rule - home decor gospel / simple decluttering.

“Fewer larger things. Nothing smaller than a cantaloupe. If your home looks cluttered, this is why. Little objects generally read as clutter. Large objects read as more intentional. Cantaloupe-sized or bigger looks considered. But anything smaller turns into visual noise. If you love the small stuff, you can group it all on a tray so it reads as one thing.”

Below is his example of how to group small things. Please don’t laugh; I do think he was trying to help.

I looked around my home and thought if he ever popped in for a cup of tea, he’d be very disappointed. Some of my favourite things are the size; if we keep food as the context, an egg, and not even a large one.

I immediately commented:

“Is this rage bait?”

It then confirmed for me something that I’ve always thought: the word "clutter" is nonsense can mean something completely different to different people, as the image the v.v. popular influencer shared to prove his point that a cluttered home was bad; I thought looked lovely. See below:

So what the hell is classed as clutter? I asked the ‘internet’ what clutter was. It took quite a few prompts to stop it telling me how bad clutter was, that it’s postponed decisions and could affect my mental health. I pushed harder for a neutral answer without any negative bias, and this is how it described clutter:

It’s no wonder that this sparked a million-dollar industry. If that description alone doesn’t scream “you need more plastic storage containers,” I don’t know what does.

If we now look at the image of the ‘bad clutter’ above and ask whether they are postponed decisions, or are those small ornaments filling the shelves above their intended capacity? The answer is no. Everything looks intended and fits perfectly. The v. v popular influencer obviously just doesn’t like small ornaments, and that is fine, but don’t hate on the people who do.

Having items small or large on show because you love them is not clutter. You just like having your things around you.

Now we understand the true meaning of clutter is too much stuff to put away. There is only one true answer to solve it- cut clutter off at the source and don’t buy more than you need. Simple. The problem really isn’t clutter; it’s overconsumption.

It’s been sixteen years since Marie Kondo’s first decluttering book was released, and things haven’t changed that much, which makes me wonder if decluttering even works. Rather than encourage us to buy less, the industry continues to confuse and shame us into thinking that our homes should be cleaner than humanly possible, and that having belongings is bad unless they are organised away and labelled. This isn’t inner peace; this is pressure.

I try to manage my home as simply as possible, and if I don’t have time to clean or tidy because I have something far more fun to do, I do it guilt-free. There is way more to life than a tidy home.

I get sad when I hear anyone say they are embarrassed of their home. Feeling ashamed and judged into thinking how they live is wrong. We all deserve to love our home, and everything we own, however that looks for you. Because believe me, there is someone out there who would love to live in your messy home surrounded by your cluttered belongings.

Own how you live. If you love a clearer home with large ornaments, I love that for you. But the point is to never feel bad for having what you love in your home, big or small, organised or running wild, and never shame someone else for living in their home differently to you. It really is none of anyone’s business how we choose to live.

I love a reframe. What if we thought of clutter completely differently? Not as piles of shoes, not unhung coats, not random chargers, but something more positive.

If we saw everything we own as a visual autobiography, every object as evidence of the life we’ve lived, we would view our belongings completely differently. They wouldn’t be clutter; they would be little glimpses of us.

What if the question “What does your clutter say about you?” was asked more curiously? The answers could be lovely.

We could share our idiosyncrasies through our things, letting them tell the unedited version of our history, our passions and what comforts us. The insight into why you love boats, or where the tiny collection of shells came from or why you have blue ducks on your fireplace.

It might also help reduce what we bring into our homes. Every time we’re tempted to buy something, we can ask: Does this share something about who I am or someone else’s identity? The answers will help separate a genuine purchase from an influenced one.

Your home should share your story, not someone else’s.

Be proud of your stack of cookery books. The mountain of papers and tubs of paint brushes. The weird ornaments, messy desks and cupboards; be proud of all of your clutter.

I love my clutter. Admittedly, it took me a while to get here and embrace my visual autobiography, because I was conditioned to think it was bad. Giving away gifts, whether I liked them or not, because they didn’t fit my scandi minimalist vibe. Hiding kids’ artwork because they were messy or purging belongings frequently, so that I needed to rebuy what I’d chucked away.

When I started to see clutter as evidence of my life and my family's, and not a mess or a problem, things changed. I am now proud of my clutter. The bowl of lip balms, earrings, keys, glasses, sunglasses. Piles of current and favourite reads, half-made Lego, hair clips, headphones and my collection of birds the size of eggs.

If this is clutter, I am happy. It reminds me that I am a human, present in my messy, happy, sometimes difficult life. I refuse to be shamed into hiding it.

Feeling bad about our homes is so unproductive and unnecessary. Take joy in the chaos our lives bring and never, ever apologise for it or worry about the standard someone else has set for your home.

What does your clutter say about you? That you love gardening, vintage handbags, coins, crocheting, postcards…

And next time you’re thinking of buying something for your home, be curious about what it will share about you.

Thank you for reading!

Claire x

P.S

If you find managing your home too overwhelming or you buy excessively, please reach out and ask for support. Yes, decluttering might help postpone those horrible feelings for a short period, but believe me, they will be back and you don’t deserve to feel that way.

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I nearly managed to stay Instagram sober for a whole year.

Seeing the same performative images over and over gave me the ick. You know the ones. The 'My analogue year’ filmed on iPhones or the ‘slow morning ’, cross-legged, drawstring pants, beige Birkenstocks while holding an artisan coffee cup, which always looked like the opposite of slow, as I’m sure taking the shot from that angle was not easy or stress-free. I needed a break. I logged out.

But now I’ve caved, and I’ve logged back in. My hiatus is over.

In my defence, I went back onto Instagram mainly for interior research to see what not to do and what us ‘normal’ people are being told our homes should look like.

I’m not sure if the break has made the fake even more obvious, but Instagram interiors inspo feels more performative and toxic than ever. The most shocking thing I’ve discovered is that alongside our jobs, looking after our family and ourselves, we’re expected to make our homes look like Heidi Caillier designed them, but without actually hiring her.

The pressure to use paint in intricate and clever ways, mix four or five prints like a pro, design cabinetry like a skilled joiner and curate a room like a team of ten, then change it and start again in six months is overwhelming.

But don’t worry, there is a new wave of interior design ‘experts’ flooding Instagram that can help you.

No, they have never met you or know anything about you or your circumstances.

No, they have never been to your home.

No, they don’t know how much money you have available.

But that’s okay; it doesn’t matter. They’re more than happy to tell you where you’ve gone wrong with every decorating decision you’ve ever made in your home.

They all have very strong opinions and tips and are more than willing to share them with you. They kindly break key interior trends down for you; yes, admittedly, even after pausing several times to take notes, you still won’t be sure what friction or tension means, let alone how to use it in your home.

They share sophisticated colour combinations with confidence and ease. Yeah, I know, mixing lime, pale lemon and electric blue or purple, burgundy and citrus lime is not easy to pull off, but hey, your room will sing.

Don’t be too offended if they poo-poo your furniture or curtains, and don’t even get them started on your lighting or the size of your rug. No, they haven’t been to your home.

Be warned, they are judgy and rude, and they will most likely induce high levels of anxiety and instil deep feelings of failure, but apart from that, they're reeeaaaally helpful, I think?

I’m sure most have bypassed their soul-breaking design assistant era. Where they fetched 10,000 coffees, cut a mountain of swatches or tidied the sample cupboard on repeat, then hid in the toilet and cried… or was that just me?

I know I’m at that age when everyone looks young, but some look very young with a suspiciously high number of followers.

One in particular has only posted 16 times, but has 18.9k followers. Another has 275 posts and 108k followers. Maybe it is that easy, and they are that clever, and maybe I only have 3.5k followers because my 361 posts are a bit shit.

I think the important thing to remember is these ‘experts’ aren’t necessarily right. Downloading an interior design app, buying a fluffy microphone from Amazon, and some fake followers does not make you an expert. There I said it, sorry not sorry.

My biggest issue with these influencers- yes, that is what they really are: not interior designers or design experts, but influencers- is that they are influencing how you feel about your home, how it looks and how you live in it.

It’s a toxic, yet highly effective formula, which is why so many influencers use it. They centre their content around making their followers distrust their own judgement around their homes and themselves by diminishing their self-worth.

They then position themselves as superior authorities who must be listened to. This psychological dynamic, which feels scarily close to the traits of a narcissist, creates an easy environment for selling products, and for being believed.

The truth is, influencers need us more than we need them. We are more powerful because it ends when we say.

We really don’t need any more content in our lives, but we do need to feel contented in our lives and homes instead.

Social media isn’t really the problem; we’ve just let it become one by thinking it will make us happy. But it never will. For true happiness, we need to look inside ourselves. If you’ve ever done true inner work, you’ll know scrolling is way easier.

But the more we choose distraction over growth by ignoring our own voices and listening to fresh-faced influencers who probably still live with their parents, never decorated a room, let alone an entire home while trying to keep your shit together and feed a family, the less contented we will feel and the less likely we ever will.

Your home DOES NOT need to look like it was designed by Heidi Cailler, because you are NOT Heidi Cailler, and it's unlikely you’ll ever hire her.

Be really comfortable that your home looks like it is created by you.

Whether that took a weekend trip to IKEA, or really slowly and still isn’t finished because you’re skint, or you haven’t even started yet because you have a life bigger and more important than paint colours and cushions.

Be really comfortable with how your home looks, on any day of the week, on any month of the year.

Resist the urge to ask what paint colours they used, what rug size is best, or where their lamp is from.

Stop outsourcing your creativity.

Your creativity is precious; don’t hand it over easily.

Create a home for you. Not Instagram. Not to look like someone else’s. For you.

Scroll on Social media with your eyes wide open, pick carefully what you listen to and maybe together we can stick two fingers up to rooms that could be anybody's and that nobody wants to use.

Two fingers up to books that sit proudly on a coffee table, but have never been read. Sofas that look good, but are so uncomfortable no one wants to sit on them. Shiny coffee stations but no one drinks coffee. Rows of labelled jars that are never used. ‘Cosy’ reading nooks where no one reads. ‘Collected’ brown vases that look like everyone else’s collected brown vases.

Let’s make a pact to create homes that no one else will see, only the people who live in them or the lucky people who get invited in. Be proud that they are Instagram-unworthy. Because it really is none of anyone else’s business how you choose to decorate or live in your home.

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I never wanted to get married. I never saw the point; we loved each other, that was enough for me. But I did, and despite being married for nearly nineteen years, I’m still not sure I’m any good at it.

Marriage was initially a practical tool to secure property rights, create family alliances, and to know the biological heirs. And it’s only been a few hundred years since marriage shifted from logic to love. But here we all are, still getting married.

I’m bemused when younger couples choose to get married; haven’t they seen enough grumpy older couples or the effects of divorce to put them off? I’m guessing it’s the same when you decide to have children; you think yours won’t be like those children. I do wonder if they’re really getting married for the long haul or the excitement of the event. Hen and stag dos, destination weddings, pre-wedding dinners, the dresses, the dance routines and months of solid social media content. What I’m really hoping, though, is that in this crazy world, they’ve learnt to grasp hold of the good stuff and never let it go.

I recently bumped into a friend who excitedly shared that her eldest daughter is marrying her boyfriend of four years. The wedding is next year; her daughter will be twenty-two when she gets married.

Twenty-two! They’ve been together four years already!

I’m here for love and commitment, but if she lives into her eighties, she could be married for sixty-plus years! Reaching her diamond anniversary, one of the rarest milestones and receiving a message from the King to say Well done you. I’m not sure if that’s even a goal anymore, let alone an achievable one. Is a long, happy marriage even possible in modern life?

Modern marriage is not easy. The expectation to build a life that looks good adds pressure to a marriage, the thing that can break the love. Buy a home. Get a good job to afford it. Make a family. Get a bigger home. Get a better job to afford it. Before you know it, your priorities have changed; you don’t see each other because you’re working hard to afford the home you never spend time in, and life is slowly sucked out of the love at every mortgage repayment.

The pressure cooker is turned on and the timer set to a lifetime.

If we do manage to stay together through our twenties, thirties and forties, are the fifties our biggest challenge?

Over the years, only two of my friends have got divorced, both within a few years of getting married. One realised he was a walking sperm donor, and the other, his wife’s fiery personality that he initially found so attractive, backfired and burnt him. However, this past month alone, I’ve found out that three couples are separating.

There are many reasons why couples divorce, and I doubt outsiders know the full truth of what broke the bond that once felt strong enough to declare till death do us part. But my friends’ most recent divorces all had a commonality: they were all in their mid-fifties and their youngest child was leaving for university. The infamous ‘grey divorce’ had struck. The realisation they could potentially be spending the remainder of their good years trapped in a dull marriage with someone they no longer knew or actually liked. Every unresolved pissed-off moment where they felt unappreciated, or unfairly treated, quietly eroded their friendship, love, and sexual chemistry.

A close friend faced this issue. She decided to divorce after realising the man she married was not the same man she was married to. She got ready to enjoy her freedom after years of mothering, dreaming of selling up and travelling the world. Whereas he dreamt of selling up to buy a small bungalow so he could slow down after working hard most of his life and potter in the garden.

My kids are fuming at the Baby Boomers and Gen Xs for making house prices unaffordable. But maybe we’ve helped them dodge a bullet by avoiding the pressures of a long mortgage or the original meaning dead pledge. Hopefully, they’ll completely miss out on the monotony of midlife, where one partner hides in the shed while the other redecorates the spare bedroom again because they’re bored.

As the years stack up, to avoid contempt and resentment stacking up too, should we renew our marriage licence like our driving licence? Each partner has a get-out-of-marriage-for-free card when it’s time for renewal. Similar to those awful marriage reality TV shows, where in the final moment, the couples are asked, “Will you stay married?”

I know life isn’t that simple, and we all have annoying things called emotions, but it might make us work harder at our relationships, worrying if our partner will say yes on the day or happily call it quits and skip off into the sunset to start over.

I recently shared a piece on my realisation that I possibly wasn’t such a good wife, and it was popular. The comments mainly centred around the expected roles within a marriage and who should or shouldn’t do what. I wonder how many of those readers were actually in long-term marriages and whether their comments were in hindsight, and they were sharing what they’d learned the hard way.

I am glad I got married. My husband’s surname is way nicer than my maiden name. I have no wise words on a modern marriage to share other than do life together on your terms, however that might look. Living separately, sleeping separately, holidaying separately, never marrying, not having children, never buying a home, maybe having an open relationship.

And if you’re lucky enough to find someone you like, not just love or find attractive, be nice to them. Speak up when you’re disgruntled. And apologise… properly. I had to Google how, remember, I’m rubbish at marriage. The most important thing: make each other laugh often. Without humour, life together will be very dull.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

Henny Youngman

*I’d love to hear from younger generations and their thoughts on marriage. If you haven’t read it already, here’s the article I refer to:

Scrolling on Instagram makes my eyes hurt from the explosion of wallpapers and colour combinations and so many details to consider. The time and money needed to create a home that will look dated in a few years, maybe even months, leaves me feeling heavy. I’ve seen firsthand how people think their home isn’t good enough, all because of someone else’s opinion or home.

Where really a normal home is enough. Somewhere in the middle with no extremes, no pressure to perform, to maxx or optimise. No strict frameworks or schedules, just everyday life with no negative emotions attached to cleaning, decorating, renovating or upgrading it. Normal has no agenda other than to encourage you to get on with your life and enjoy it.

Normal life is different from living a slow life or following the lived-in trend. Both still feel performative or contrived, entailing a list of must-haves to make it count. Normal has no expectations.

A normal home looks and feels good, without really noticing why. It fades into the background so your life and people are the only thing you do notice. Their conversations are louder than the decor.

In a normal home, you only choose paint colours because you like them and they calm your nervous system. You paint it, forget about it and move on. Only refreshing, never repainting because someone made you feel it was wrong.

Your furniture has moved many homes with you, and you chose your sofa because it’s comfy and big enough for all your favourite people and pets.

Everyone loves to hang out and stay longer than planned because it feels normal, with no performance, no need to be anything other than themselves.

It looks like you live there, not styled to look like you do. Working for the life you actually live. It doesn’t make any bold design statements or follow trends. It is never in or out of fashion.

You live there. You feel safe there. You are happy there. It is just home. A normal home.

I wish some of the bigger accounts thought more carefully about the effect they have on their followers. What might gain them traction can leave someone feeling their home is missing something or ashamed for how it looks.

We can’t control what they share, but we can control how much we believe, who we follow and when we decide we've seen enough. Keeping our wise mind firmly switched on when we scroll and knowing we can step away at any point.

Things worth remembering before you believe what the internet is telling you.

Beware what you believe:

• Almost none of what you see online is normal or true.

• Remember you’re seeing someone’s carefully curated content, not real life.

• If interior text sounds similar, it’s probably AI-generated and not genuine advice: space, truly, simply, quietly, cosy corners, grounded or layered.

• Holding a fluffy microphone doesn’t make someone an expert.

Save your cash and don’t take the bait:

• Remember, when you’re scrolling, you’re a potential customer.

• If they are gatekeeping, they are selling. Don’t comment for more details.

• Even if you’re curious, don’t click the links.

• Linking everything because everyone is asking. No one is asking.

• Take I can’t live without… with a pinch of salt.

• You don’t need to buy seasonal homeware or do a seasonal refresh.

• They're paid to love the product they’ve only just received.

• Don’t watch their Shopping hauls.

• Ignore the Style swaps.

• Scroll past the Sunday scrolls.

• Ignore all the paint colours they’ve used in their home, as your home is different and probably won’t work.

Open your eyes to made-up trends:

• Unfollow influencers and interior designers who look the same.

• Choose accounts that inspire you to think, not to copy.

• Cafe curtains are great until you realise you don’t live in a cafe.

• Banquettes are back until they’re not.

• No hill is worth dying on for homeware.

• Ignore in or out lists.

• What you consider Good taste is all that matters.

• What you consider Timeless is all that matters.

• Ignore EVERY tiling trend. Tiles are expensive and difficult to install or remove.

• Your home is not missing contrast, weight, height, weird or any other confusing term.

• Your home doesn’t need a theme or a specific style; your life is the theme.

• Designing your home to make your friends jealous isn’t cool.

• Ignore that good design should make you feel nervous… makes you happy is healthier.

Listen to yourself instead:

• Your shelves don’t need to look like an LA interiors store.

• Your home doesn’t need to look like you hired an interior designer.

• You don’t need to try so hard. When it stops being fun, move on.

• Ignore them if they think your home looks cheap or dated.

• Ignore their lists of things that are missing, make a big difference, make it look expensive, a fail, or a room feel off.

• It’s just someone’s opinion, and it can be ignored… mine included!

• Is it only a mistake because someone told you it was?

• Your home doesn’t need a system or a framework; you’re human, not a robot.

• It’s okay to be different. We’re not the same; our homes don’t need to be either.

Being comfortable with normal means knowing your home is enough and caring less about what anyone else thinks or is doing. When you love a normal home, the pressure will disappear, and home feels good. Life is good.

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My four steps on how your home can slip into the background. Leaving you more time to get on with living your life:

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When I got home, I shared the story with my husband, that on one very normal Tuesday evening, the husband arrived home from work and announced to his wife that he hadn’t been happy for some time and that he was leaving her.

They’d been married for 22 years and had two children together. My husband and I have been together a similar amount of time and also have two children.

The woman in the story was in her early fifties. I am nearly 52.

She originally started at the company part-time as a receptionist, with an average wage, but it meant that she could still look after their kids. Allowing her husband to pursue his career. I, too, never went back to full-time work after my daughters were born. Choosing jobs that I could fit in around childcare, while my husband built his business.

As her children grew older, she started to become more involved at work and built a career for herself, and with that, she learned more about herself, became more confident, and finally felt comfortable in her own skin. My children are also old enough now that I can focus on a career that feels true to me. I also feel comfortable in my own skin. A combination of age, early menopause, and therapy, I’ve built my self-worth, and don’t really care what anyone thinks of me.

They had made plans to move to France as they were nearly mortgage-free. She thought they were on the same page. My husband and I make plans for our future regularly, and moving to the sea. I think we’re on the same page.

She had finally stepped out of the shade into the sun and loved every ounce of the warmth on her skin. She thought they were good.

Then he left her.

After finishing the story, I went on a little rant about how awful that he could do that, she’d put her life on hold while he climbed the career ladder…

My husband is a deep thinker, kind, and always manages to see both sides of the story. Which at times drives me nuts, especially if I want him to take my side. Paused, he then said, “It’s probably because he felt irrelevant.”

I stopped mid-rant. I think my mouth dropped open a little. Irrelevant?

I thought he‘d say, how he’s probably having an affair with Jemma from accounts, or eye-roll at another stereotypical 50-something-year-old man. No, he could see how the husband might have felt in the marriage.

Irrelevant was such an interesting choice of words to use. Is feeling seen and heard just a fancier way to say it? We’ve all become aware of the importance of feeling seen and heard, for ourselves and others. Is a solid relationship built on how relevant you feel within it?

What does being irrelevant in a marriage look like?

My husband has never made me feel irrelevant.

We’ve been married for 18 years, but together for over 25. When we met, we both had growing careers in our chosen fields, mine admittedly was climbing quicker than his, but he soon caught up, as he realised that weekends were more fun if we could both afford to do things.

He never criticised the wage imbalance in my favour and still proudly reminds anyone that when we met, I was earning more than him.

When our first daughter was born, he took a couple of months off. And again, when our second daughter was born. Seeing that we needed more funds to feed our growing family, he left his well-paid job and started his own business.

Those next few years, he sacrificed seeing us, working late into the night, and leaving early the next morning. I wasn’t the easiest wife to come home to. Understandably, I was tired, lonely, and frustrated as my lovely husband was replaced by two demanding children.

My husband always made me feel seen and heard. Especially in those early baby days, when my identity was in shatters. He would see me. He knew what I needed and did it. But had I done the same for him?

I’m sure most mothers at some point have felt irrelevant. My name became so irrelevant; I was only known by many as Elsie or Poppy’s mum. Did my husband feel like his name was dropped, too? Did I make him feel like a wage packet and a babysitter, as I’d regularly escape the second he got home? Finally free to go to the gym, see friends, or just breathe somewhere other than the house. He always encouraged and never complained.

Writing this, I questioned whether I am on the same trajectory as the wife in the story. The kids are older, my husband is now semi-retired, and as he’s home more, I’m freer than ever. I can literally walk out the door, and no one will die. Is there a midlife crisis waiting to happen for me, too?

I braved it and asked my husband if he felt irrelevant.

Yes was his answer.

Gulp.

Looking back over the early years, it’s not really a revelation. But what about now?

Every day, I work hard to make my children feel seen and heard; why hadn’t I made my husband, too? In my line of work, I’ve seen plenty of wives make their husbands feel irrelevant by undermining or belittling them for suggesting something for a home that they lived in, too. I thought those awkward meetings had opened my eyes to how NOT to treat a partner. But here I was. And what if someone else were to make him feel relevant?

I’d messed up. I have a mum who never put her children first. She always put herself or my dad first. I vowed never to do the same for my kids, but had I gone too far?

We live in a house full of girls, even the dogs and hamster are female, so it must be difficult as the only male to shout I matter too! We all generally laugh AT him, not with him. I undermine him with the children and other decisions, without thinking. If the girls need money, they ask me. Not that I ever needed to ask permission, but I very rarely involve him in any decision-making with plans for family holidays, seeing our friends, or spending our money. I just got on with things.

If I’ve ever moaned that I did everything, he would say he doesn’t because I criticise how he does it… I was embarrassed. I could see I was a red flag. Do I need a husband? No, but I like my husband, and I don’t want him to leave. I was slightly surprised he hadn’t left me. I think I’d leave me.

There’s something about middle-aged men and the dishwasher. Despite owning a dishwasher most of our lives together, over the last few years, my husband has become slightly possessive of it. Groaning if it’s stacked ‘terribly’, and being fastidious, how often it’s cleaned, even installing an app to let him know.

Is the dishwasher the only thing at home that makes him feel relevant? Has it come to this? A household appliance is making my husband feel more seen and heard than his wife.

As well as making our partners feel relevant, is there also a lesson to learn about not becoming irrelevant ourselves? Yes, I think there is.

Recently, I’ve had two friends instigate a divorce. Neither friend used the word irrelevant (‘useless’ might have been mentioned a few times). But had their husbands become irrelevant in their marriages? I know one husband was blindsided by the announcement. The other, I think, knew he was irrelevant, but as he liked having someone help look after him, he kept quiet.

I want my husband to feel relevant in our marriage and lives together.

I’m committed to steering our marriage back to calmer waters, where everyone is happy. I haven’t drastically changed anything that I do, only how I go about it. I slow down my thought process and consciously consider my husband’s feelings, rather than just getting on with it.

I genuinely care about what he brings to the table, and I now show it by listening and engaging more. I use the 50/50 rule, where we make decisions and parent as a team. I involve him in plans. Things I would have done naturally before, I now leave him to take control and try not to stick my big nose in.

I feel we are more on the same page than ever, but I continue to check that I don’t slip back into single-player mode. Which happens more often than I realised.

His sticking around isn’t a given, and he, like all of us, deserves to feel very relevant in every relationship.

This might be worth a read too:

Then someone, no names mentioned, walks in the door, shoes still on, puts their bag on top of the work surface and starts to make a sandwich. Your mouth drops open in disbelief. The zesty smell starts to fade and is replaced with the aroma of tinned tuna, and salt & vinegar crisps.

You look at their bag, which you are 99.9% sure has been on the floor in at least one public toilet today. You can sense the invisible germs dragging themselves from the bottom of it and face-planting onto your clean work surface.

You are fuming!!!! Rightly so, housework isn’t called work for nothing.

You lose your shit and start shouting, “TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, TAKE THE BAG OFF THE SIDE, HANG IT UP. CAN’T YOU WAIT TILL DINNER? MAKE SURE YOU TIDY UP!!!”

The mood in the room is suddenly heavier than the smell of tuna, and the feeling of satisfaction is now a distant memory, replaced with frustration and hurt. You both stomp off to separate rooms, and the dazzling surfaces have lost their shine in every sense.

I see you, and I feel your pain.

The annoying thing is, it’s irrelevant whether the sandwich maker comes into the clean kitchen within five minutes or five hours. Homes are designed to be used; they need to be, and they will get dirty again and again. That’s just life, that’s just a home.

But we’re led to believe that a clean, clutter-free home is the goal. And when you’ve finished achieving it, that’s your moment to praise yourself, relax and feel a little smug. Which is why, when someone uses the kitchen, gets their toys out, goes to the bathroom, or sits on the sofa and throws all the cushions on the floor, your blood starts to boil. The moment to rejoice, fleeting.

If we could change our ingrained way of thinking, see the thing to rejoice in was the moment, not a clean version of home, homelife could be sweeter by avoiding those clashes.

Because the real goal for a home is for everyone to feel safe, physically and emotionally. If it looks good too, well, that’s a bonus.

Let’s start by asking two questions:

Most of us clean and tidy our homes for the people who live in them. But we can get annoyed when they do life in their home. This article isn’t about who does the cleaning or makes a mess in the first place, or putting systems in place to keep your home clean and tidy, but a way to catch your emotional reaction in those moments and see the positive in them instead. A reframe.

Reframing is a psychological technique that helps you see and change how you view a situation, event, or person to change its emotional impact. Rather than denying reality, reframing shifts your mental lens to look at the same facts from a more helpful perspective.

I love a reframe, and some of my favourites to help reduce the emotional reaction to someone using their home and making a mess within the process:

When you can see things from a different perspective, you become more in control of your reactions. Here’s another way of looking at the sandwich scenario:

One. They’re not scared of you, otherwise they wouldn’t throw their bag on top of the work surface or keep their shoes on. This is a good thing, not a lack of respect. We shouldn’t be trying to control our partners, friends, or children through fear.

Two. They’re hungry; food is their focus. They’re not actively trying to piss you off; they just want to eat food in their home.

Three. It’s their home too; just because they’re using the kitchen differently from you doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Four. They chose to come home. They could have gone somewhere else.

Let’s run the scenario again. You’ve finished cleaning, and someone walks into the kitchen. Dumps their bag and grabs ingredients for a sandwich.

You can see they’re tired and hungry. You might ask what they’re making and if you can help, but you give them the space to do what they need, with no negative commentary.

The atmosphere will feel lighter, and they might even stay for a chat once the sandwich is made. Either way, both parties will feel less hurt and frustrated.

If you do want to discuss the cleaning up afterwards and the bag on the side, now that they’ve eaten, is the time. Calmly ask them to tidy up and remind them you don’t like bags on the side.

If keeping a home in some form of order is to the detriment of your emotional well-being or relationships, or the housework load feels unbalanced, it’s worth having a direct conversation and understanding what is within your control.

I heard Harry Styles say this at one of his recent Wembley concerts, which I think is beautiful:

It made me think about our homes. If we fill our homes with love and happiness, any visitors will feel that and enjoy it too.

We think our guests want to see perfect homes, but what we all really prefer when we visit someone's home is to feel relaxed and feel good to spend time in. Not an edited version in the hope of your validation.

So next time, someone does things a little differently around the home, or they use their home as it’s intended, making a mess that annoys you, do a mental reframe. Can the moment be understood and seen from a more helpful and kind perspective instead?

Your relationships will be stronger, and your home will feel more like home for everyone. No walking on eggshells, no heated moments, no working to invisible rules.

A couple of years ago, I was invited to my lovely friend’s house for dinner. I love going to her house. She’s Scandinavian and has travelled a lot; her furniture, art, and lights are gorgeous and unique, and her collection of colourful glass vases mesmerises me every time I see them.

My contribution to the evening was to bring a side dish. I made my favourite, a goat’s cheese and pomegranate salad, using my bestest bowl, a 40th birthday gift from my husband.

The evening was fun, and as I was leaving, rather than searching through the piles of crockery for my bowl, I said I’d collect it another time.

Fast forward two days. I was upstairs at home, and I heard the doorbell. I assumed it was a parcel and they’d leave it by the door, so I didn’t rush to get it. When I did come back downstairs, I walked into my kitchen to see my friend standing there with my bowl.

“I was passing, so I thought I’d drop off your bowl.”

Panic set in!

My husband, who is clearly a normal person, had let her in and not kept her at the doorstep, as I, clearly a deranged person, would have. But honestly, who unexpectedly drops in these days? It felt as alien to me as someone calling the landline for a chat.

Horrified, I looked around my kitchen. The clothes dryer was erect with my underwear very visible on the top rack. The sink was bursting at the seams with dirty plates, cups, and bowls. The worktop looked like we’d had a party the night before, with the number of glasses lined up. The table was covered in my daughter’s latest craft project, and empty sweet wrappers were strewn over the sofa.

My lovely friend, who’d never been to my house before, handed me the bowl and looked around the room and said,

“Oh gosh, your home is lovely.”

I, of course, went on to point out the list of misdemeanours, apologising profusely, and then I’m embarrassed to admit. I walked her to the front door, opened it, and guided her out. No offer of a cuppa, no gushing thank you for the safe return of my bowl, just the door nearly hitting her on the way out.

After she’d gone, there was no hiding from myself. What the hell was that all about? I felt like such an idiot. Would she really have cared that much about the mess? No, would be the answer. She has four kids, and I’m sure she didn’t see anything that didn’t happen daily in her home.

What would have happened if I had offered her that cup of tea and, rather than showing her the door, I’d shown her a seat instead? Well, for a start, nothing bad! My friend wouldn’t suddenly ‘break friends’ with me after seeing my pants drying or dirty plates.

Looking back, I don’t think she judged me at all. She just wanted to see me, and she also knew the bowl was special to me and wanted to return it safely. But I was so busy comparing my home to hers, I couldn’t see that. I was worried it wasn’t good enough. I let my idea of a perfect life stop me from living my actual life.

As humans, we need meaningful connections, and inviting people or animals into our homes should feel natural and fun. We shouldn’t let a little mess or the feeling that the house isn’t quite ready stop us. I love this picture of Callie Coles’ kitchen. Children, a pony, chickens and a dog, free to happily roam her home. Allowing her life to do its thing without trying too hard to manage or control it.

I’m not saying we should all have ponies in our kitchens, but the bar for our homes keeps getting higher, even unachievable. The unrealistic pressure to pretend the realness of our lives doesn’t happen, that we live in a home where no one really lives.

Which is hilarious, as we all eat, go to the toilet, sleep, make clothes dirty, and forget to bring our cups to the sink. Let’s stop pretending we don’t.

The reality of maintaining the illusion, hiding our true lives behind meticulous curation, might be good to look at, but it doesn’t feel so good to live in. Keeping a home looking perfect is hard work and stressful. The anxiety it induces will overshadow the calm, together home you’re hoping for.

Enough is enough. I’m calling time on trying to keep up with the latest made-up trends, and to be permanently photo-ready. Which colours we should have, the sofa they told us to buy last season, suddenly irrelevant, the details we adored that we now feel stupid for still wanting. Scallops, we still love you. I say…

“HANDS OFF OUR HOMES!”

I used to think that if I tidied and cleaned my house within an inch of its life to look like it belonged in a magazine before anyone came over, it would make my guests feel welcome. Instead, I ended up frazzled. Anxiety sat on my shoulder throughout the entire evening. On full alert in case something appeared out of place, let’s just say the atmosphere in my home was far from relaxing.

Now, I realise that showing my house as it is, is ok. I feel comfortable, so my friends feel comfortable too. Last month, another friend popped round unannounced. The kitchen was lived-in with breakfast dishes still out, shoes left where they were taken off, and various pieces of clothing on the back of the sofa. This time, I didn’t apologise. I made us tea, moved the piles of papers on the table to the side, and we sat and chatted.

Getting older, I want my relationships to be deeper rather than superficial. It’s hard to show our vulnerabilities, but when we do and show others how we feel, they often soften and show theirs too. No one is perfect, and neither are our homes.

My relationship with my home has gotten deeper, too. I’m no longer only interested in its looks; I see so much more. My house finally feels seen and heard. Fully embracing perfectly imperfect. I appreciate everything it does for us, and it means more to me than an immaculate, dust-free version.

I haven’t got time to put how our home looks as the priority anymore. I now create a home that is a healthy balance of real life and order. I want our home to feel warm and inviting, clean but not sterile. I embrace clutter as ‘tidy mess’. I have designated places for everything, but that doesn’t mean everything is hidden away, eradicating all signs of our lives.

Plumping cushions and decluttering every week is not on my to-do list. Seeing friends, eating dinner with my husband, going to the cinema, walking the dog, spending time with my kids, and exhaling are.

Learning to be comfortable with all the things our lives create is the first step to being free of the made-up pressure, which it is… completely made-up. Create a home on your terms, not someone else’s. Invite people or ponies in, and don’t ever apologise for being human.

Thank you for reading! I’d be so happy if you tapped the little ♥️, left a comment, or shared it with someone who might like it too. And don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t already, so you don’t miss future posts.

Claire x

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I’d look in so many different places for ideas for my home. It took time, way longer than a few hours of scrolling. Devouring every issue of Elle Deco and Living Etc., pulling out pages of rooms I liked, a certain paint colour, or a kitchen handle. Revisiting pages in my mountain of design books. Everywhere I went, I was absorbing. Movies, markets, travel, exhibitions, even offices and hotels were all amazing sources helping me turn my ideas into reality.

Yes, there were trends, but they didn’t really change that fast, and we didn’t get to see how other people had interpreted them, unless they featured in a movie, a magazine or in a friend’s house. We were all left to turn those ideas into a reality by ourselves.

I still find inspiration in many sources, but I’ve gotten lazy. Though I don’t use Pinterest for design or buy anything because someone else has suggested it, I do scroll more than I look elsewhere.

The internet makes us all a bit lazy. We’re shown beautiful rooms, and how to achieve the same look with handily attached links. All the hard work fun is drained from the process. Where really the creative process is the best and most important part.

Without the creative process, we miss the fundamental element that connects us to the outcome. The personal journey of discovering more about yourself and learning to trust yourself. What you genuinely like, your values and identity. You eliminate any risks or experiments, and you don’t push yourself outside your comfort zone.

Copying a look, following a link, buying what's ’s already been validated by a thousand likes feels like a safe decision, since someone else has already approved it for you. But it also removes you from the decision entirely. And any feelings of safety or joy are short-lived.

I’ve bought into trends or must-have things myself over the years, and whenever I walked into the room and saw it, it never felt like mine. I hadn’t chosen it because I loved it, and it always ended up feeling a bit wrong or dated.

It’s hard to know what your own taste is when you see/brainwashed by the same interiors over and over a gazillion times. The constant enticement to spend money distracts us from what we love, and someone else’s opinion has become far more important than our own.

What if you trusted yourself, listened for your own approval and didn’t feel the need to look to someone else? Wouldn’t it feel good? Absolutely. Maybe a little unsure at first, but over time, you’d be more in tune with your own taste, and you'd trust yourself enough to become your own tastemaker.

Most people are nervous and think they’re not ‘creative’ when decorating their home. But we’re all creative in different ways, and comparing yourself to someone else’s creativity will only set you up to fail. Creativity is mostly down to confidence, as there really is no right or wrong. Creating opportunities to experiment for small wins will give your confidence a boost.

A few things to help build confidence and self-trust:

Catch yourself before you click. Before you press the affiliated link, come off autopilot and ask, do I even like it? Yes, it may be gorgeous, and the price is good. But it doesn’t mean it’s right for you. A little bit of self-awareness will stop any unnecessary purchases.

Experiment to boost your confidence. If you don’t feel confident in choosing for yourself, only practice will change this. Small projects can help, as the consequence won’t feel too big. Over time, you won’t second-guess yourself so much as you get comfortable with the process and choosing for yourself.

Try something simple to start. Choose a paint colour because you love it, regardless of whether it fits the rest of your home or is cool. Using a tester pot, paint something you’re happy to experiment on, an old picture frame or lamp base. As your confidence grows, you can choose bigger, more permanent pieces.

Use the Rule of Three. If you spot the same thing in three or more unrelated places within a week, it's likely to be everywhere and feel dated quite quickly. This week, I’ve seen countless images of checkerboard flooring, Delft tiles and café curtains. Great, if you already love them or are replacing originals. But if you’re considering them for a new project, maybe pause and wonder if it’s because they feel safe to choose.

Go vintage shopping. Virtually or in real life, as it’s a great way to test your taste. If you’re in the UK, Easy Live Auction is a good place to start, because you never know what you’ll find. Lean into whatever you feel drawn to. Keep checking, do I love this, or because I’ve seen it before? Start a watch list or take pictures to look back at and see what you’ve picked, and you’ll start to see a pattern of what you love.

Reduce scrolling time. Many interior designers and influencers show similar looks, making it easy to understand what’s current, but hard to see past the trend and choose something completely different. Reducing scrolling time will limit influences, leaving room for your own ideas to grow. And if you do see something you like online, get curious as to why.

For example, the similar images below are from three different designers. It could be easy to copy the whole look, but instead, maybe it’s the shape of the cooker hood, the marble or the colour of the cabinets that you like? Pick the look apart until you can pinpoint the thing you actually like, or not, about it, and follow that, not the whole look.

Look to other sources for inspiration. In my own home, as a starting point for a colour story, I choose something I love, it’s usually something I’ve picked up at an auction, a piece of art or an antique rug. Ideally, something that has a few colours within it. I pick out my main and accent colours (the 10%) and layer them in different textures and patterns. I then bring in my books, photos and ornaments all in random colours. The result is unique to me and my home.

Why should we be our own tastemakers?

Because we all have a responsibility to the planet and ourselves. We don’t need more unwanted things being destroyed or ending up in landfill. Read Kate’s brilliant Substack if you want to know what happens to our old furniture.

And because we all deserve a home that we love, and as we understand more about our nervous system, one that feels safe. Surrounding ourselves with things we have a connection to and hold memories of our lives signals to our nervous system that we are safe and we can relax.

The vase that’s moved home with you three times. The rug with a red wine stain, you remember the fun night of dancing that caused it. The mirror in the hallway that you once lifted your kids to see their little faces, who now stoop to see their reflection.

These are the things we need in our homes, and some of them, hopefully, will be passed down for someone else's memories to be added.

I wish for everyone to create a home they love, full of the things that make them feel happy and safe, all born from their own ideas and unique to them. Gaining confidence to develop your taste to decorate your home how you want takes training to find and listen to your voice. The more you do it, the easier it will become, and you won’t dream of copying anyone else ever again.

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Thank you for reading! I’d be so happy if you tapped the little ♥️, left a comment, or shared it with someone who might like it too.

Claire x

Painting and wallpapering are also really time-consuming, the prepping! - insert eye-roll! And I do wonder how long before the gorgeous image on Little Greene’s email below will start to look dated.

What if, rather than ways to brighten the mood of our home, we concentrate on brightening the mood in our home… for free!

Sometimes we think buying something will help us feel happier, but the science of happiness is surprisingly simple and free. Sunlight, movement, laughter, and connection. These things don't just improve our mood; they help regulate our nervous system, too. And when our nervous system feels safe, we feel better.

Whatever type of music you love, stick it on. A favourite song, one that makes you smile and brings back a happy memory. I love that TikTok - yes, I did write that- is introducing the younger generation to older music. When a 90’s, 00’s or even an older track comes on, and my daughters know the words, I love it. Their music catalogue is far wider than mine was growing up. Sade, Fiona Apple, Otis Redding, “How do you know this?” “TikTok”

Dancing is one of my favourite things, the more choreographed the better. If I had my time again, I’d be a backing dancer for sure. But for now, to help increase my endorphins and dopamine, the kitchen is my dancefloor. I love YouTube dance tutorials. This is a good one ⤵ as Caleb says at the end, “You have saved the town and your mental health!” Brilliant.

Along with a love of dancing, laughing is up there too. From a giggle to a crying oh god I might wet myself type. Laughter reduces cortisol and increases feel-good chemicals, so settle in for a night on the sofa and watch something funny. There’s plenty of stand-up comedy specials on Netflix, Kevin Hart, Ali Wong or brilliant british comedians in LOL: Last One Laughing UK on prime. The first series is better than the second and very funny. Hacks, and Four Seasons made me laugh and if you fancy a film, Bridesmaids will always create a big one… the wedding dress scene!

Human connection is one of the strongest mood boosters we can have. It doesn’t have to mean a house full of people, or something big and planned, but simple moments instead. Calling a friend, even stopping and chatting to a neighbour can boost our mood, reduce stress and remind us that we're not alone.

Even a hug does more than we realise. Around 6–10 seconds, is thought to be long enough for the body to begin releasing oxytocin and for stress levels to start decreasing. And 20 seconds or more has stronger effects on relaxation, bonding, and nervous system regulation.

And connection doesn't have to be human to boost your mood. A dog snoozing at your feet, a cat purring on your lap, or stroking a pet can help calm the nervous system and create a sense of comfort and belonging.

If you’re bored of your home, and budget doesn’t allow for anything new, change what you see. Play with layout and swap furniture around. Move art and change photographs. Even switching lamps between rooms, will change the way the light falls and make the room look different.

Make sure the curtains and blinds are open wide to let in as much light as possible. If you live outside the UK, you might actually have some sun, and you’ll be able to open your windows and let the sun in rather than the rain and hail we are blessed with at the moment. If you’re lucky enough to have a view of greenery even better for lowering stress and a greater sense of positivity and calm.

Ultimately, a joyful home isn't defined by what you own, but by how you feel within it. We don’t always need to spend money to feel joy, a favourite song, a dance around the kitchen, a good laugh, a long hug, a chat with a friend, even seeing your home from a different perspective will do.

Thank you for reading! Please press ♥️ and subscribe if you haven’t already. If you have any suggestions for funny films, or comedians I’d love to hear.

Have fun.

Claire. X

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Where are the million cuddly toys, the array of trinkets they love or the pet caterpillar found in the garden now living in its own decorated shoe box?

The reality is, most young kids don’t have great taste in an adult sense, and once a child adds their things to those rooms, they won’t look like the Instagram image or Pinterest board anyway.

I recently read this advice on decorating a child’s bedroom:

“Decorating with children in mind can inspire new creativity and give you the chance to embrace your own inner child.”

I completely disagree. It can be tempting to try to recreate the floral wallpaper and twin-bed vibe or the circus-inspired bedroom, but this is not your chance to embrace your inner child. It is a chance to embrace the inner world of your child and give them a room where they feel safe and can take ownership of their things.

I’ve found that children tend to go through distinct stages of influence that shape what they want from their bedroom at different ages, making it difficult to choose a look that will suit them for years at a time. My advice is to create a room that can evolve with them, rather than needing to be completely redone at every stage.

Baby to toddler years (0–3):
Design is largely driven by caregivers. What matters most at this stage is that a room feels safe, familiar and comforting.

Pre-school to early primary years (4–7):
Favourite colours, toy characters, TV shows, books and imaginative play become major influences. This is often the stage where children want their bedroom to reflect fantasy and play.

Tweens (8–12):
Friends, sport, gaming, YouTubers, online content, Pinterest and emerging trends all start shaping what feels aspirational or "grown up". This is often the first stage where children begin using their bedroom as a form of self-expression.

Teenage years (13–18):
Their bedroom becomes more about retreat, independence, and expressing their personality. Friendship groups, music, social media, fashion, hobbies and wider culture influence how teenagers want their room to feel and look.

Children are supposed to change their minds; it's part of growing up. Be mindful of decorating around a specific influence, as what feels cool to them one day can feel cringe the next.

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Design

Children don’t need an interior-designed, all-singing bedroom to feel loved. As caregivers, we don’t need to try so hard. If we allow their lives to be the main character in their bedrooms, rather than the decor, it can become a place where they have fun, learn about themselves, and retreat to.

The most important step in this process is to let go of the vision of their bedroom and become curious about the one they have instead. It has more benefits than being able to show off a beautifully curated room. Read here.

If you’re craving a creative outlet, I’d suggest choosing a different room, as a child’s bedroom is often the first place they get to call their own. It can be where they learn what they like, what they don’t like, how to make decisions and how to express themselves.

The trick is to see their room as a blank canvas; otherwise, you might need to decorate every three years, as their ever-evolving influences and tastes change. Don’t overthink it. It’s really about letting your child choose things that can be easily changed: accessories and layout. A duvet cover and poster are far easier to replace than a painted circus tent ceiling.

Writing a Brief

How you decorate or tackle the design together is very dependent on the age, needs and personality of your child. I recommend starting with a design brief, which can be words or images, and something to refer back to.

Start by asking what they want their room to look and feel like. Ask their favourite colours, what feels good to them, where they want their bed and toys. Do they want pictures? If yes, what of?

You might need to interpret their ideas and not take them so literally. And keep decisions off the table that aren’t within your budget, capabilities or time constraints.

If you need to buy anything, ask their opinion by offering a small guided selection of 2-3, as it reduces the overwhelm. Check they’re happy with the decision afterwards, as it reinforces that you trust them, their opinion matters, and the room feels theirs.

My daughter was thirteen when we put this design brief together. She was very clear on colour, texture, and the overall look. It really helped me understand, as otherwise her room would’ve looked completely different.

Furniture

I’m all for reducing scrolling time looking for the perfect bed, cupboard, etc., freeing your time and money on the fun stuff instead. My advice is to choose furniture that works for most of your child's life rather than a particular phase or theme.

Every child and situation is different, but these pieces of furniture and accessories, if bought wisely, could be used through various stages of childhood.

• bed - choose a simple design that doesn't belong to a particular age or theme

• shelves/bookcase - their interests will change but a good bookcase won’t

• drawers - timeless and sturdy for every age. see below

• wardrobe - can be painted to update

• bedside table - doesn’t need to feel childlike to be used

• blackout curtains/blinds - plain is more versatile than themed patterns

• desk and chair - become increasingly important from around eight onwards as homework and studying take up more time

• storage - baskets and tubs can be used to store toys, Lego, make-up or styling products depending on the stage

• lamp - a classic design won’t need replacing because of changing tastes

• hooks - useful at every age; avoid overly themed designs

• mirror - a full-length mirror can work from early childhood through to the teenage years

• laundry basket - encourages independence and helps children take ownership of their room

These accessories can change as your child changes:

• night light - a good place to lean into a theme or current fave

• rug - this might need replacing as tastes change and accidents happen

• art - easy to switch as interests evolve

• bedding, throws and cushions - one of the easiest and most affordable ways to reflect changing tastes, from TV characters to football teams to teenage cool

Beds. A child might need various bed types as they grow. A cot, a toddler bed, a single bed, and then a double as a teenager.

You can reduce this down to two types of beds: A cot that turns into a toddler bed, then, when they’re big enough, straight into a small double. It might feel odd, but it never really ever feels too big as their cuddly toys can fill one side of the bed. They’re great for sleepovers, can double up as a guest bed, and are far more comfortable when you want to lie down and read/snuggle together.

Chest of drawers. As tempting as it is to buy a changing table, I wouldn’t bother. Babies learn to roll quicker than you think, and you’ll most likely end up changing nappies on the floor or bed anyway.

I would suggest picking a timeless and sturdy chest of drawers instead. I tend to choose vintage pieces for myself, but my girls have always preferred Ikea drawers. The Nordli range is great as it’s easy for little hands to open and can be added to as their storage needs grow.

Storage. Kids love stuff, and especially tiny things. Let your child choose how they want their toys and things to be kept, either on display or tidied away, as having their familiar things around will help them to self-soothe and feel calm.

Shelves, baskets, and under-bed plastic trays are helpful at any stage. I used the big patterned zipped storage bags for the million dressing-up costumes. Easy to be dragged from room to room and emptied, and easy to fill back up again. Great for toys, winter clothes, and spare sleepover bedding.

Paint

Rather than overcomplicating things, keep the walls simple. It makes it easier to touch up or change when the time comes, and less stimulation helps with feeling calm and sleeping.

Offer your child two or three muted versions of their favourite colour, or a white with a hint of it, as research shows that softer colours lower heart rate and reduce stress hormones, helping children wind down at the end of the day. It’s also the perfect backdrop for their colourful toys, bedding, and accessories.

If you do want to add more colour interest without going too bold, use a slightly darker shade on the woodwork, painted furniture, or shelves. I would avoid painting stripes, using overly bright or contrasting hues, especially near the bed, as they can keep a child alert instead of relaxed.

If you do want to suggest a wallpaper to your child, check that there’s nothing that might appear scary to a child within the pattern when the room is dark.

Here are paint colours in calm tones that work well in children's bedrooms that won't fight with their things. Every room is different. The direction it faces and how much natural light it gets will affect any colour dramatically, so the colours below are a guide only; always test before you commit.

Green

Pink

Blue

Yellow

White

A child's bedroom doesn't need to be perfect. It just needs to feel theirs and ready for whoever they're becoming next.

Thank you for reading! Hope you found it helpful. Please press ♥️ and subscribe if you haven’t already. If you have any questions or comments, I’d love to hear.

Claire x

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My last house was a cute little cottage, and I designed a cute little girls’ bedroom scheme for my youngest daughter. I bought all the pieces to pull the room together, and as they started to arrive, I showed her.

She hated everything.

As someone who works in interiors, I’d created similar schemes for happy clients and was pleased I had the chance to create something as lovely in my own home. This was the problem. My clients were adults, and I was satisfying my own desires.

What about the kids who were actually sleeping in those rooms? All chosen on their behalf in isolation. I quickly rethought my approach and sent back what I could and donated what I couldn’t.

Kids are sensitive to things that sometimes we adults miss. The Llama head I thought was cute, my daughter thought it was scary, and my squirrel-loving daughter thought the wallpaper baby-ish. Textures, smells, colours, spider-attracting or nightmare-inducing things might not cross our minds, but they are at the forefront of a child’s.

Unfortunately, the child’s bedroom has become a way to showcase the parents’ creativity and imagination, when really, adults have so many other areas in their home and life that they can do this, whereas children spend much of their day being told where to go, how to behave and what to do. Their bedroom is often the first place in their life that feels theirs, and somewhere to explore their own potential in making decisions and expressing themselves freely.

A bedroom is not just somewhere a child sleeps.

Research suggests that giving children a sense of agency and autonomy over their room is far more important than making it look perfect and can help them understand who they are.

When a child chooses the colour of their walls, where their toys go, or which of their things stay on display, they are practising something much bigger than design. They are learning that they matter, that you trust them to make decisions, that you embrace who they are and encourage their self-expression. Children who are trusted learn to trust themselves, too.

These confidence-boosting moments experienced from an early age can stay with them throughout their lives. When children understand self-trust and self-expression, they grow into adults with high psychological resilience, strong personal boundaries and authentic relationships. This early foundation prevents the common pitfalls of self-abandonment and people-pleasing in adulthood.

Self-regulation is also an important part of child development because it helps children cope with everyday struggles, a skill that can have lifelong positive effects. Surrounding themselves with familiar toys, colours and belongings that make them feel safe helps children self-regulate.

Children should associate their bedroom with self-expression, privacy, play, and emotional comfort.

I’m not suggesting you give your child complete free rein. Children grow so quickly, and what they love one day can very quickly be frowned upon the next. But you can still encourage creativity and imagination by providing guidance and clear objectives.

How you decorate or tackle the design together is very dependent on the age and personality of your child, but I recommend keeping it simple:

• Ask what they want their room to look and feel like. Help them create their own design brief to refer back to.

• Allow freedom in choosing the things that can be changed easily, duvet covers, posters, cushions.

• Always ask their opinion before you buy anything for their room.

• Give guided choices instead of endless options, especially if they’re of value, making sure they fit back into their brief.

• Encourage them to touch fabrics and textures before deciding.

• Ask their favourite colours and offer calm, softer tones to choose from.

• Let them help decide the layout.

• Let them decide which toys and loved things get left out and which get tidied away.

• Always check they’re happy with the decision afterwards, and does it answer their brief.

There is some argument that a child responds differently to a colour psychologically if they pick it, but choosing calm tones within their chosen colour will be more regulating than bold primary shades. I will cover this in more detail in future posts.

If you’re looking to design your child’s bedroom, my biggest piece of advice is to leave your ego at the door. It’s easy to get caught up in how other people’s homes look or creating a room that looks beautiful to other adults, but asking your child what they’d like from their room and allowing some say in it may be one of the best things you can do to help develop their sense of self.

If you feel resistant to letting your child be involved in designing their room, it might be worth sitting with those thoughts and getting curious about why. Maybe it’s control, fear of judgment, or simply letting go of what you thought the room would look like.

Their bedroom can still look beautiful without every decision coming from you, and together you’ll create something even more important than the room itself.

If you have any questions, thoughts, or experiences to share, I’d love to hear them.

Thank you for reading, and subscribe if you haven’t already. It would be great to have you follow along.

Claire. x

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This post is about a little bit of me-pleasing. You might have spent all day boss-pleasing, child-pleasing, friend-pleasing, partner-pleasing, and when you get into bed, it’s time to put yourself first, and have the perfect set-up on your bedside table.

I’m very fussy about my bedside table situ. How it functions, how it looks, and what is on it. I’ve made the mistake before of picking a bedside table because it looked good, only to feel disappointed in myself every night. I’d be squishing and balancing things on top of each other, and all my nighttime detritus would be on show.

These are my bedside must-haves:

• coaster no one wants rings on their furniture

• small bowl, tray or plate for rings, for the little bits and bobs; lip balms, hair bobbles

• table lamp for ambience with a warm, soft bulb and a fabric or paper lampshade to diffuse the light

• reading light over the table lamp, as I tend to stay up later than my husband, my smaller reading light can stay on without disturbing him

• tissue box cover as the cardboard boxes aren’t always that pretty

• carafe and glass for nighttime rehydration

• eye mask, this has to be my most important thing, and I struggle now to sleep without one. I always forgot to take my mask with me whenever I went away, resorting to a bra or a single sock draped across my eyes. I’ve learnt my lesson and keep a separate one for when I travel

• photo frames are always nice to wake up with pictures of my favourite people

• notepad and pen, I get the best ideas in the night, and I can guarantee I’ll have forgotten my brainwave by morning if I don’t write it down

• alarm clock, I love waking to music, and it’s definitely no phones upstairs for me

How To Create The Perfect Bedside Table Set-up

Certain colours can help induce sleep. Painting a room is the obvious way to introduce colour, but you can also have calming colours visible in the little things in our bedroom, too.

Soft Blue: Universally recognised as the best colour for sleep, it is associated with calm skies and water. It helps lower your heart rate and reduces feelings of stress. Don’t go too dark in your bedroom, as darker shades of blue can sometimes evoke negative feelings such as sadness, loneliness, and defeat.

Sage Green: A peaceful, nature-inspired hue that helps soothe an overactive mind without feeling too stimulating as it evokes feelings of comfort, peace, spaciousness, hope, and happiness.

Warm Neutrals: Colours like soft browns, beige, or warm ivory create a minimalist, distraction-free environment that promotes relaxation.

Soft Pinks and Lavenders: Muted, dusty versions bring a cosy, comforting feel and help reduce anxiety. Keep pink soft, as research has found that viewing the colour red may promote aggression and increase blood pressure and pulse rate.

How to choose the right bedside table

Size: Choose a width and depth big enough that your lamp can sit comfortably alongside your essentials without needing to stack anything. I want everything within reachable distance and to know where everything is in the dark. If you have two bedside tables, they don’t need to be identical; mixing styles, materials, or heights can add personality to a room.

Storage: I always choose a table with at least one drawer to hide my boring things. An open shelf below is great for a folded blanket or a few books.

Height: Match the table height to your mattress height. This means you can reach things easily and won’t bump your head or elbow when turning over in the night.

Legs or solid-base: If your bed is on legs, choose a solid-base bedside table. It stops the room from looking too leggy. And if you have a divan base, choose a table with legs, as the room will feel bigger and lighter.

I prefer to buy used furniture, due to craftsmanship, price, and saving perfectly good furniture from landfill. These are the styles I would look for if I needed to replace my existing.

Ideal dimensions:

• Height: 50 - 60cm

• Width: 50-60cm

• Depth: 30-40cm

I haven’t included links as I only want to inspire you. Maybe you have something around your home already you can use, or pick up pieces as you browse auctions or vintage stores.

Hope that has helped you think of different ways to introduce colour to calm your mind before sleep.

Thank you for reading, and subscribe if you haven’t already. It would be great to have you follow along.

Claire

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When a quiet detail happens that no one else notices but you, it means the world. Being considered by the people we care about is one of the loveliest and most important things we can feel.

Whether you live with children, teenagers, a partner, friends, family, or alone, belonging doesn't arrive in grand Hallmark moments. It happens in the ordinary ones that say: I see you. You matter.

As a parent to two girls, now both teenagers, I spent years thinking I needed to do more to make them feel loved. Taking them religiously to dance and ballet classes, swimming lessons, endless playdates and activities, working hard to do all the things I was ‘supposed’ to do. But when I stopped trying so hard, I realised my daughters needed much simpler things to feel loved and special. Being properly listened to, respected, and included in everyday life did more for their confidence and happiness than anything else.

Years ago, this list would have looked very different, full of tips on organising toys or decorating their bedrooms to look good. There is nothing wrong with either of those things, but making my kids feel important these days looks very different. I asked them what they liked and didn't like growing up, to help me put this together.

The details that will make your kids feel important at home:

- their plates and cups mixed in with yours

- the washing powder smell, they love and associate with home. An important detail when they’re away from it

- their slippers lined up with everyone else’s

- towels and bedding, they chose themselves

- displaying and cherishing the things they make for you

- asking their opinion when choosing things for your home

- asking what does or doesn’t feel nice to touch around the home

- not tidying away their toys if they're in the middle of a game or making something

- letting them choose a family meal

- eating together as often as possible, and giving them undivided attention

- creating a moment each week that’s theirs. Ours was movie night in my bed with hot chocolate and Friday night sweets they’d picked after school. They still ask for Friday night sweets at 14 & 17!

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Teenagers sometimes get a hard time, but I love watching my girls grow into young women. Their fierce opinions and different outlook on the world have taught me so much. Sometimes, teenagers want to join in; sometimes they don’t. What matters is that they always know they're invited.

The details that will make your teenagers feel included at home:

- a seat at the table, always

- their own washing basket

- choosing the washing powder they love the smell of

- knocking before entering their bedroom

- accepting that their bedroom might not be as tidy as you’d like

- bringing them hot chocolate in their favourite mug while they're studying

- involving them in planning or cooking meals

- meals together without phones for everyone

- letting them decorate their room how they want

- giving them a full-length mirror

- running them a bath if they’ve had a bad day

- displaying the things they make for you; it really slows down as they get older. I miss their smudgy fingerprint art

- taking their opinions seriously when discussing things for the home

- create moments to bring everyone together

- having seating nearby so they can still feel included without fully joining in

- leaving homework or projects where they are if they’re still working on them

- trusting them to put the dog out, lock the doors and turn the lights off if they’re the last one up to bed

It’s easy to forget about ourselves or our partners when life is busy. But small, quiet details can say ‘I love you’ without needing words.

The details that will make you feel considered in your home:

- making your first cup of tea or coffee of the day

- putting your bowl and spoon out ready for breakfast

- saving your favourite seat

- keeping all your essentials on the bedside table

- having your loved art, photos on display and books on the bookshelves

- emptying the laundry basket or dishwasher without having to ask

- a light left on when you come home late

- your favourite snacks, food, and drinks included in the weekly shop

- having a party on a plate for dinner, so you don’t need to cook

- allowing your things to live around the home, and not tidied away instantly

- everyone waits until you sit down before starting to eat

- being properly listened to at mealtimes

Living alone doesn’t mean you don’t deserve consideration, too. It can come from the way you care for yourself and your home. Treat yourself as you would a lovely friend, preempt the bad days, notice what you need, and don't wait for a special occasion.

The details that will make you feel special if you live alone:

- all your favourite memories on display

- making mealtimes special with your favourite plate, napkin and the posh glass

- something else living and depending on you: a plant, a pet

- a lamp on a timer so you don’t come home to the dark

- flowers when you want

- buying the nice olive oil, the good bread, and the favourite wine

- saying no and staying in when that’s what you need

- your favourite bedding freshly washed and waiting at the end of a tough week

- kitchen dance party for one

- breakfast for dinner because you can

- making the bed, or not. Your call

- invite your favourite people over regularly

- getting to know your neighbours

- becoming part of your local community

We can extend all of this to our guests, too. Making your friends feel welcome comes down to noticing what they need before they have to ask.

The details that will make your friends feel welcome:

- showing them where to leave their coat, where to sit and put their drink

- placing a rug under the dining table if you’re a shoes-off house

- soft, fresh hand towels in the bathroom

- using scents: soap, candles, or a diffuser that they’ll associate with your home

- plates, glasses, and cutlery that feel good to use

- being mindful of the temperature

- lighting soft enough to relax in

- music quiet enough that you can still talk

- keeping things nearby so guests aren’t left for too long

- including their favourite food and drink in the menu

- giving them your full attention

Showing someone you care without saying it is one of the quietest yet most powerful forms of love.

A HUGE thank you for being here and reading.

It means a lot to me when you press like, leave a comment and share.

Claire x

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My head hurts just typing these out, let alone trying to work out what each one looks like and how to make it work in your home.

I like to keep things simple in my life so I have more time for the fun stuff. The same applies to my home. It’s easy to lose hours looking for the right sofa, lamp, or paint colour. I’ve put together a four-step framework to show you how your home can slip into the background, too, leaving you more time to get on with living your life.

Hi, I’m Claire, an interior designer. My weekly newsletter, Interior Design for Anyone Who’d Rather Be Told What to Do. Shares design tips to simplify the decision-making process, so you can design your home yourself, with confidence and without the overwhelm. Make sure you start at the beginning here.

If you’ve ever done any work on your home, it can feel overwhelming, and part of that is the amount of choice available, which can blow your mind. When I have clients who struggle to decide, I offer a maximum of 2-3 options. It makes the process less confusing and far more enjoyable.

I find the design process really is a series of elimination. Before you even start thinking about design, let’s eliminate as many decisions as possible straight away:

The HHA 4 Step Framework:

I like to overthink everything, so you don’t have to. Looking at all styles of home and interiors, I’ve found the most understandable way to simplify is to refer to two styles only: Traditional or Modern.

Every style fits back into either, and age doesn't necessarily come into it, only how decorative the detailing is.

Traditional: decorative and detailed. Modern: simple and clean-lined.

Let’s get started:

STEP ONE: Categorise your building.

Look at the exterior of your home, is it Modern or Traditional?

Modern: simple, angular lines.

Traditional: decorative and detailed.

STEP TWO: Be clear on the difference between fixtures and fittings.

Fixtures are attached: sockets, flooring, doors, windows, woodwork, radiators, bathrooms and kitchens. The things you leave behind when you move.

Fittings are removable: furniture, curtains, rugs, mirrors, and light fittings. The things that come with you.

STEP THREE: Match your fixtures’ style to your building style. This will create a coherent backdrop for your home and instantly eliminate a huge chunk of decisions.

Modern building = modern fixtures. Traditional building = traditional fixtures.

Don’t worry too much about what modern or traditional fixtures might look like yet, as I’ll be going into more detail.

Examples below:

Modern building with modern fixtures.

Traditional building with traditional fixtures.

Now the magic part:

A home that is 100% traditional or 100% modern can look good, but risks feeling one-dimensional. The secret is to add a little sprinkle on top. I like to think of fixtures as the perfect pair of jeans, the fittings your favourite white tee, and the extra 10% is a statement necklace and earrings.

STEP FOUR: Match 90% of your fittings style to the building style. (The things you’ll take with you.)

The remaining 10% is where your personality comes in. Something unexpected that adds interest. A traditional home can have a few modern pieces, and vice versa. This only needs to be 1–4 items per room, depending on size.

Examples below:

Traditional building = Traditional fixtures and fittings + 10% Modern/unexpected fittings

This bathroom has traditional fixtures: bath, panelling, window, flooring and 90% traditional fittings: chairs, blind, stool, whatnot, rug. And the 10% is the two simple modern prints that add an interesting layer.

If it were a traditional oil painting instead, the room might feel like a set, more obvious. The unexpected prints are subtle but enough to elevate the room.

Rita Konig’s kitchen is a perfect example of the 10% sprinkle on top. The modern artichoke print, bright pink candles and perspex candle holders add colour. Although the gingham chair is traditional, the oversized design and colour add the unexpected. A brilliant juxtaposition to the traditional farmhouse table, chairs and dresser.

In this traditional study, the 10% is the modern art and lamp, as well as the unexpected toucan and ice cream accessories. Without them, the office could look a little ‘stuffy.’

Examples below:

Modern building = Modern fixtures and fittings + 10% Traditional/unexpected fittings

The 10% from the little traditional stool and rug gives this modern bathroom personality.

The modern kitchen looks more considered with the 10% traditional art, stool and baskets.

And the 10% traditional cabinet here softens this very modern interior.

It’s a very simple framework, and of course, you can ignore or change the %s; it’s your home, your rules. But if you are tired of feeling stuck, feel overwhelmed by choice or really have no interest, this is an easy way to create a home that looks balanced and considered.

Re-cap:

• Boost your own confidence - remember, there are no interior design police, only your fear of being judged. If you can ignore what anyone else will think, you’ll be flying.

• Be clear on your motivation - do any home improvements to improve your life, not to impress someone else.

• Design with you at the forefront - rather than being a people-pleaser with your home, be a me-pleaser, it will feel so much nicer to live in.

• Categorise your building - Lean into the style of the building to help dictate the style of fixtures and 90% of fittings. Modern or Traditional?

• The remaining 10% is where your personality comes in. This only needs to be 1–4 items per room, depending on size.

Up next: Having a clear picture of your home's style instantly narrows the choices available. Over the next few newsletters, I’ll start looking at what fixtures can look like for each traditional or modern home. I’d love to help if you have a question, pop it below.

Don’t forget to subscribe.

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A HUGE thank you for being here and reading.

It means a lot to me when you press like, leave a comment and share.

Claire x

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If you’re not design-inclined and the thought of doing anything to your home makes your head spin, I empathise. With contradictory opinions, endless how-to tips and every type of home imaginable online, knowing what to listen to is overwhelming.

Which is why I’m never surprised when clients ask me, “Can you just tell me what to do?”

Hi, I’m Claire, an interior designer. I don’t ever tell them what to do. By the way, I ask a few questions and try to get to the bottom of why they just want to be told what to do.

This is what my weekly newsletter, Interior Design for Anyone Who’d Rather Be Told What to Do, is about. Sharing design tips to simplify the decision-making process, so you can design your home yourself, with confidence and without the overwhelm.

Boost your confidence

I really do think we all have the ability to be our own interior designers. The reason most people struggle is usually down to a lack of confidence with a touch of fear, and that nagging voice in the background asking, “What if it looks crap?”

Remember, there is no right or wrong, no interior design police. Only your fear of being judged and someone else’s opinion will make you feel your decision is wrong. Which is why you should only ever choose something because you love it.

Who cares if you want something that might not be fashionable? Your home is for you and the people who live in it. Your home, your rules.

Confidence boosting questions:

• What decisions have you already made for your home that you’re happy with?

• Which part of your home have you already made look and feel good?

• Does it really matter what anyone else thinks of your home?

• Is someone else’s opinion about your home more important than yours?

You are more than capable of creating a home you love, I promise.

Understand your motivation

Before you embark on a home project and commit to spending thousands and losing hours you can’t get back, ask yourself: Why am I doing this?

It sounds simple, but most people skip it entirely and jump straight into choosing paint colours or browsing kitchen showrooms. Not understanding your why is the reason so many projects feel disappointing after they’re finished.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful home. We all deserve to live how we choose to. But from my experience, problems arise when motivation is driven by comparison or external validation.

I’ve had clients want to rip out perfectly good kitchens and bathrooms simply because they saw their neighbour’s new one. Suddenly, their own home didn’t feel good enough, even though nothing had actually changed.

Rather than being a people-pleaser with your home, be a me-pleaser. Only make home improvements to improve your life, not to impress someone else. Use your motivation as your end goal and try not to deviate, whether that’s a salesperson in a showroom, Pinterest, or anyone else’s home or opinion.

What to expect:

Design can feel scary because there are so many choices. When I have clients who struggle, I offer 2-3 options max. I’ll show you how to eliminate choices yourself, so you can narrow down what you search before you’ve even typed it into Google.

Up next: My simple 4-step framework to help you understand which style to choose and start the design process like a professional. Don’t forget to subscribe.

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A HUGE thank you for being here and reading.

It means a lot to me when you press like, leave a comment and share.

Claire x

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Pushing “less is more,” which leaves anyone who loves more, or can’t or doesn’t want less, in a place where guilt and shame thrive. It’s unfair as everyone is different, with different circumstances, and different tastes.

My home looks human, and pet appropriate as four people and two animals live there. I feel free to enjoy my life without thinking less of myself if I haven’t wiped the worktops before bed or if my wardrobe doesn’t look like a high-end clothes store.

I keep it my version of clean and tidy, I don’t stress, feel anxious or have expectations attached to my home. I am happy with how my face, body, and home look. Not everyone is, and I’m sorry about that. We all deserve to feel happy in ourselves and our homes. If you’re on the search for a similar inner peace and freedom, read on.

#1. Choose your tidying advice wisely.

Most decluttering and organising advice is well-meaning, but not always accurate, trauma-informed or for real lives. There’s a difference between tidying tips and actually understanding the person who needs to tidy.

I’ve helped many clients and friends whose relationships with their homes are complicated. People with hoarding tendencies who feel embarrassed that their home doesn’t match the ideal. People who have experienced trauma, and managing their home isn’t possible or a priority. People who clean compulsively but still can’t relax. People living with illness, where cleaning and tidying take an enormous physical and emotional toll. And neurodivergent people with a deep emotional attachment to their belongings. They were all different, and no single system would work for all of them; they all needed something different.

I haven’t found any evidence that Marie Kondo consulted a psychologist or therapist before writing her best-selling book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. And I can’t help wondering, if she had, would the decluttering movement look different? A one-size-fits-all method is far easier to market than a nuanced, person-first approach.

It’s worth checking whether the advice you’re following is sharing the full picture, or just the part that makes their method look right. Some favourites worth questioning:

Decluttering releases endorphins -So does a hug, a walk, or a conversation.

Spending time in a clutter-free space improves productivity, focus and mood — Yes, for some people. But plenty of highly functional, brilliant people work best in a ‘messy’ environment.

Sleeping in an uncluttered room leads to fewer sleep problems - A regulated nervous system is where good sleep starts. Tidying the room without addressing what’s driving the dysregulation won’t solve the problem.

Kids thrive on fewer toys - Hans Mogel, a psychology professor, put it plainly: “This is a form of child abuse. Deprivation comes at the expense of feeling secure and developing a healthy self-esteem.” And some suggest that minimalist playrooms are driven by the adult’s desire for a calm, aesthetic home. There’s an argument for both sides, but only you know your child and what is right for them, not a stranger.

Decluttering supports your nervous system -Yes, your environment and nervous system are connected, but it works both ways, not in one direction. The calm you feel after decluttering is often relief, a temporary sense of control over your environment. These feelings will be short-lived if nothing else changes. The post below is from an Instagram influencer who has over 100k followers. This misinformation can be confusing about what you believe. To be clear, your home is not your nervous system. Your body doesn’t decide safety based on furniture or clutter alone; it responds to a much wider picture.

A UCLA report found that women with cluttered homes had higher levels of cortisol -Yes, this was true, but I found the report from 2010 to be mainly about shared responsibility for the home’s chores. “Women described their home environments as demanding and stressful and sometimes opted for longer workdays because they felt overwhelmed by obligations awaiting them at home.” “When coming home from work means noticing piles of clutter or a long list of to-do projects, it is perhaps no surprise that cortisol levels fail to decline.” The problem appears to be more about relationships, expectations, and communication rather than clutter.

Understand your own needs and the needs of the people you live with, then be selective about what advice you follow and what you ignore.

#2. Set your own home standards, not follow someone else’s.

Not everyone wants a minimal home, yet most books, Instagram influencers, home makeover shows, and countless decluttering strategies assume that everyone is working towards that same organised and sparse goal. And if we don’t want that for our home, it can make us feel we’re doing something wrong.

Hoarding is widely seen as a problem. Yet the standard the decluttering industry celebrates often sits at the opposite end of the same scale. The immaculate homes you see across social media aren’t always what they seem. The need to clean, tidy and purge can be driven by something deeper, possibly compulsive decluttering or obsessive-compulsive spartanism, which is rarely questioned but often praised as it looks ‘good’, and aspirational. One influencer proudly shares: “I might have issues, but at least whatever is wrong with me keeps the house clean and decluttered AF.” This doesn’t feel the healthiest standard to follow.

Search #decluttering on Instagram and you’ll find hundreds of accounts, mostly women aimed at women, giving guilt-laced advice and declaring they’ve never felt happier as they obsessively clean, organise, and purge.

In reality, a clutter-free home takes far more effort than they’re letting you in on, and most likely, some careful hiding editing, or throwing away half of their possessions had to happen to look like that.

Set your own standards that work for you and your home life. What you can manage and what feels good to you. Not someone else’s.

#3. Understand that decluttering is an action, not a solution for your life’s problems.

You’ve probably come across the promise that if you finally organise your cupboards, throw away the old chargers, and reduce what you own, everything is going to fall into place. Your anxiety will vanish. Your relationships will blossom. You’ll be calm, productive, and finally become the person you were always meant to be. I even read that you’ll start to receive money if you make space for it.

Sorry to break it to you, but this is not true.

Decluttering is an action; it can be helpful, in the same way that using a microwave can make things easier, both solve a practical task, but nothing fundamentally changes how you feel and function.

If you notice you’re relying on tidying or decluttering to feel better, it might be helpful to speak to your GP or a therapist, who can help you understand what’s behind it.

Decluttering can play a part in feeling more settled, but it works best when there’s also a sense of internal safety, not just an organised cutlery drawer.

#4. Break chores down into single tasks.

Decluttering strategies are a set-up-to-fail process, with impossible, overwhelming expectations attached to them. If decluttering were straightforward, the billions of books, storage products, and expert services wouldn’t need to exist.

It bundles four separate tasks into one: tidying, cleaning, organising, and deciding what to let go of. Each requires different skills, different energy, and a different headspace. Expecting yourself to do all four simultaneously, on top of everything else life demands, is a lot. For many people, it won’t end successfully.

Choose one task and be realistic with your time and energy. And don’t give yourself a hard time if you don’t achieve everything you hoped to do; there is far more to life than a tidy home. I would add that if you can only do one thing, pick cleaning as an unorganised, untidy clean home is safer for everyone who lives there.

#5. Let go of shame, not possessions.

Having too many possessions is seen as a problem, a lack of self-control, an inability to release the past and move on, and getting rid of them will make us feel so much better.

For most people, that isn’t true. Their belongings aren’t clutter. They’re memory, comfort, and connection. Which is why decluttering can leave people feeling guilty for keeping things they love, and then guilty again for getting rid of things they wish they’d kept. Remember, something is only clutter if you call it that.

My daughter is neurodivergent. Her bedroom is full. She loves everything in her room, and I wouldn’t dream of telling her what she can and can’t keep. Decluttering influencers recommend limiting children’s toys. I asked how she’d feel if I followed the advice, “Yeah, it’d be fine, but it wouldn’t be my room anymore.”

Please don’t ever get rid of anything because you think it’s what you should do. If you suspect hoarding, you deserve specialist and gentle advice, not shame. Please reach out and ask for support.

#6. Use the ‘wise mind’ technique to decide what to bring into your home.

I learned about the wise mind technique a few years ago when dealing with toxic people in my life. It helped me slow down and assess the situation, where before I’d rush in, not think things through, and say yes when it should have been a no or get unnecessarily emotional.

If you find you buy too much or get lured into impulse buying, you can use the same technique. It can help you make a decision that takes your emotions and logic into account without impulsivity, helping you feel more in control, by considering the positive and negative consequences of the decision.

Creating distance between yourself and the item can help. Keep browsing, or leave the shop. If you’ve forgotten about it within thirty minutes, your wise mind has already decided you don’t need it. This is probably why so many items sit abandoned in online shopping baskets; your wise mind is quietly doing its job.

If you want to buy it, ask yourself:

• Do I really like it?

• How would it feel to have it at home?

• Where will it go at home?

• Do I really need it? Or do I have something similar already?

• Can I afford it?

Please don’t ever feel guilty or ashamed about how your home looks. We all need to look after our homes, but if that ever feels overwhelming, distressing, or unmanageable, it doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means something about the approach or your expectations isn’t working for you. That deserves understanding, not shame or guilt.

Asking for help is not a failure; it’s the opposite. Everyone deserves to feel happy at home.

In the UK, both Granta Smile and Hoarding UK offer specialist, trauma-informed support for hoarding and compulsive decluttering. For a gentle, practical guide, KC Davis’ Book How to Keep House While Drowning or Podcast Struggle Care is also helpful.

For many of us, the healthiest place is in the middle of the scale. Able to feel okay about chores without it taking up too much emotional energy either way.

I’d love everyone to feel okay about not wiping the worktops before bed.

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Claire x